hollimurray's Journal

Saturday, May 12, 2007

7:54PM - If I had a clue

I broke my ipod,it looks like it got shot
my grades are getting better
this boy,eh I unno.its whateverrr

I started working,$$$$==sidekick soon
but I hate it
partly because I get free food
and I happen to work at a fast food place
im gaining more and more weight
and I do nothing but look at myself in the mirror for hours and cry
then I'll grab some food after I feel better

it kills me,because I look back when I weighed 85 pounds this past summer.
and now this summer I'll weigh almost 15 pounds more than I did last summer
I'm not even gonna say I'm gonna lose weight,because ill be bullshitting myself
...onceeeeee again

my family annoys the piss outta me and I'm out of the
house all the time,any chance I can get
I used to like when my brother came to visit
but he doesnt come around often anymore,
all my friends say it seems like I don't have a brother
cause theyve never seen him,I'm starting to agree
he's the biggest asshole anyway,he comes home and cracks
more then a few jokes about my looks and anything the comes with it
they arent just little jokes either,but whatever

I'm becoming more distant with everybody
and its safe to say I don't have a bestfriend
dont take it like im talking like a second grader
Im happier with many distant friends than ones that
are feeling close like family

I've said it all over the place.in person,on the internet,
ive posted it everywhere.I've said I'm finally happy.I'm
honestly not too sure about that.I think I might be forcing
happiness upon myself and I don't know it.i've brainwashed myself
and told myself over and over again that I'm happy now.

but I'm a liar,and I could be lieing to myself.I'm pretty fucking
good at it then,Maybe im not over half the things I thought I was
maybe I havent overcome half the shit I thought I did.Maybe I'm not
as happy as I thought I was.

I was doing good,and I was learning so much about myself
But I think I stopped,but I'm gonna start again
I'll find something,I just don't know how to start
somehow I know how to stop though?it takes me a split second

maybe deep down I'm the same person I was months ago
the one who still thrives on alcohol and lies til she gets caught
and stabs people in the back?..god I hope not :[

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Monday, April 16, 2007

10:32PM - way better

I've been slowly figuring myself out lately
I'm gradually turning into a better person,but I'm still myself
I'm actually starting to have fun and I've been out so much lately
I've been missing out on so much,and life finally has seemed to get faster for me

but my grades are slipping,not gradually,but fast
summer is in about a month and a half
most kids start slipping a week before
I've already started slacking 2 months before =/ uh oh

I have a boy in mind.the first boy I've truely liked since Andy
and that was who the hell knows how many months ago
I feel like a wife who lost her husband and they dont date for years,ahaha
I'm waiting for this boy,and hes adorable
even though I dont get to talk to him much =/
shit sucks sometimes,and I dont think this whole thing is gonna get very far
if I don't talk to him much=/

but I'm glad I actually have boy problems,and theyre one of my few problems I've been having lately.I don't mind any of these recent problems.theyre the best problems ive ever had compared to what the past year has consumed me with

goodnight

Current music: bob marely

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

10:42PM - I don't know

i start working,real real soon :]

I don't know anything anymore
I know nothing about myself
and i know so little I dont even know if I've tried to figure myself out
all I know is that I dont smoke weed anymore,and i dont drink every weekend anymore
I still smoke cigarettes,its a disgusting habit =/

things arent going well in my family,but they never will
I think I was too young to remember when our family was the least bit sain
now everything is so dysfunctional,but hey,a lot of families are like that now

I don't do much to help though,my dad goes through so much
and I still seem to slide a ton of lies underneath him throughout the day
I'm a horrible daughter,and sister,and I will change
I promise on my life

I dont go to church much anymore, and I have shit for religion.but for some reason I remember something that was said.the guy talking he said "if you have a problem,you always look at somebody else and go 'well at least im not as bad as them'"
I do that so much,if I do something,ill always look at somebody worse than me,and think 'well atleast I'm not that bad,at least I didnt go that far,at least i didnt do that bad' and so on and so on

I know so much is wrong with me,but I always compare,because Ill run to anything,to find any excuse,not to help myself,I ignore it all and if I don't do something about it soon I'll be more horrible than I am now.And you can't go much further when you're me.

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Tuesday, April 3, 2007

4:05PM - stuff

I have a journal I write in,other than this
I guess its so i don't feel completly crazy
if I didn't have it Id be writing on here everyday
I have horrible anxiety.and the medication doesnt help
some days it does,who the hell am I kidding
I don't even know anymore
I've been taking meds since I was 9

i havent quit smoking yet,but im actually trying now
i start working next week

all i want is the littlest bit of respect sometimes
nobody can get over themselves and think that theyre better than everybody else
I've gotten past that point,and it doesnt matter who you are
you deserve to give everybody respect if they respect you
but nothing works the right way,it never will,never has

I've been keeping to myself lately
and I figure thats the best way
if I keep my mouth shut and stay out of the way
everybody can walk away happy,thinking theyre right
nobody wants to be wrong,and nobody wants to admit it.

its just bullshit when you feel the need to satisfy the ones
close to you and feel the need to make them feel right
just so they dont think less of you.

ive always stood up for myself and told it how it is
I don't hold anything back
but lately I have,and it doesnt work very well
but if you dont say anything,how can it start a fight?
somehow it does
no matter if i open my mouth or shut it
im bound to get fucked over

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Friday, March 30, 2007

8:07PM - the worst of the worst

I didn't get my monroe pierced yet,because people are faggots
I have extensions in,but I didnt want them in
it was for a photoshoot
but hey,everybody likes my hair like this

but I do have a job now

I got in a huuuge fight with my mom last night
no need to even explain why
But I cant go out tonight

and its nights like these where I feel at my worst
I'll stay home and worry about tons of things
I'll think about my weight the whole time
then for some reason I'll get the fear of
cali not being there for me.I don't know why
When I'm not with her I feel like I don't have much
and I feel pathetic.I said I've never leaned on anybody

then I'll think about andy,I'm over him.
But I can sit there and think about the kid for the longest time
How nobody ever forgave the kid
drugs are just like lieing or anything wrong anybody does
you cant just tell somebody to stop
its all easier said than done
and nothings worse than another
everybodies all in one huge bullshit denial

I'll think of how I fucked up and how I got where I am now
how much bullshit I've ever put my parents through
and I think about it so much,yet when my head hits the pillow
and I wake up the next morning,I'll be exactly the same
but think about it the next night

I have no self control of any sort
But I think today I started something that
will change me,shut my mouth,and give me some self control.finally.

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Thursday, March 22, 2007

11:54AM - thinnn

hair extensions are out for about a month
im getting my monroe pierced tomorrow

I don't understand myself
I dont think I ever will
I don't see how people can love themselves
I havent even tried because its too much to consider
and think about to even try to do.

I'm not vain,I'm very far from it
yet I sit and stare at myself in the mirror
I can do it for hours.
I don't think to myself that I'm fat
I don't think to myself that I'm ugly or pretty
I just say to myself you're not thin
I don't like when people tell me I am
because they think I want to here that
I want to hear the exact opposite
I want somebody to tell me the truth
but nobody tells the truth anymore
its all lieing,even if it makes them sick to theyre stomach

well I've had a stomach ache for years now

I don't do shit about it
I don't have enough self control to do anything
to motivate myself to do anything

I tell myself I care,but if I really did i would do something about it,right?

let the truth be told once
I hate what I see in the mirror
I hate when I look past the tissue
I hate hate
I don't hate anything

nothing makes sence,sometimes its better like that
because if I had to choose,id rather be skin and bones with nothing inside
than tissue muscle and fat,and be the greatest person in the world

I feel like if I had skin and bones,I wouldn't need anybody or anything

maybe thats the part that eats at my stomach,and scares me to death

I dont expect anybody to understand this,because nobody really reads it
but I understand it to the point where I could read it off my mirror

Current mood: disgusted

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Monday, March 12, 2007

9:10AM - =/

This is all so ridiculous
happy 1 week anniversary
Ive been sick for so long =/

Ive realised I might not be getting a new cell
Because even if I did quit smoking,the parents
wouldnt believe me.sweeeeeeeet deal.

uhhm,me & cali took some amazing pictures
the other day.But I realised I've REALLY
been gaining weight.my arms are huge and so
are my 'love handles'
I have to give up my cupcakes and soda =/
along with a lot of other things

I disgust myself,sometimes more than usual

You think your personality raises your reputation
half the time its not even that,its the exterior
that they stare at half the time.so why not judge
just what they can only see?its only to an extent
where you feel the slightest bit of satisfaction
when you look in the mirror.I only see the
outside of me anymore.I don't look the way I do
for attention.I look the way I do because theyll
never give the inside the time of the day because
they all know if they looked long enough it would
scare them,not only them.but me too.Id be scared
as hell,I don't even know what or who I've become
these past couple years

you and I will never look long enough

Current mood:

disappointed

Current music: metric

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Tuesday, February 6, 2007

3:12PM - and again

I wanna quit smoking ciggastix
I think its safe to say I have a drinking problem
hair extensions are out for now,just for now
im growing my eyebrows back,ahaha how funny
still didnt hand in my job app
im broke as a bitch,as is my family

i lost 2 pounds,losing more

the people who I want to forget about and give two shits about
are the ones that I think about everyday

I hang out with cali a lot a lot

later

Current music: brand new

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Monday, January 29, 2007

5:18PM - new stuff

fuck him
i strive for nothing,I can assure you
I work for nothing but a backfire in the end

making cupcakes should be my full time job
im getting an actual job soon though
no money
I have new classes,I don't favor them that much
my new years resolutions fell through like they always do
im starting to lose weight again,what a pain but i want to
im back to my old sleeping habits,no sleeping pills
i wanna see torrey =/
new phone if I quit smoking,thats a tuffie
new hair extensions
i got my septum pierced
fear before show soon
drinking drinking drinking
cali & kayla are my family

don't let the fear of letting your personality out scare you
reputation means nothing but deprives everybody
dont let anything get in the way
reputations wont do shit for no one soon
i sure as hell threw mine out a long time ago

Current mood:

tired

Current music: motley crue

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Thursday, January 4, 2007

2:49PM - lately

I don't have many friends on here,but honestly I don't care
Im gonna start using it anyway so I can look back at it & shit

so here it goes

my hair extensions are out for awhile
schools going better than usual
i still stress over the smallest things

its a new year and everybody makes resolutions
I tried,but I know I wont stick to them
its how I do everything.I say ill do something
but it never gets accomplished.

I don't want a boy right now,at least I think
I push them away
because I got out of a relashionship about 3 months ago
Im just not ready,I dont wanna be with anybody
I can honestly say it was the first boy I fell in love with
and I guess im so young I cant comprehend all the shit he did to me

drugs can ruin a person,physically and mentally
and it hurts,a lot.to see a person change so fast
to see them sober,then to see them fucked off theyre asses
it makes you do anything for money.lie and steal.
along with fucking people over,even your closest friends
to see somebody who was my best friend who I shared everything with and felt so comfortable with to change so fast that it was like talking to a completly different person who could give two shits about you.when a month ago they told you that you were theyre everything.Im not waiting for him.I just want to see if anything changes.hopefully it does.

hes still the boy i care about the most,he doesnt know

I miss you,annd I still love you,I just hate the shit you've done

Current mood:

sleepy

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Sunday, October 22, 2006

5:59PM - rduhdsfiogd

I'm never on here

If I have time maybe Ill sit down & fix this up

I had another livejournal,but I deleted it

again...I was never on that one either

soooyeah

ohhh I do have one thing to say
there was a bomb ass party at my house last
night that I came home to,that made my weekend :]

Current mood:

blah